A Reconciliation with Society’s Monster

A Remembrance of My Father

My father and I during the holidays.

As he lay there on the sterile stainless-steel table, I looked down to examine him one final time. After years of not seeing him, my father was here in front of me. This was also the first time I had physically looked down on him. He was always, based on stature and presence, one to be looked up to.

Before me now was the man who helped usher me into this world. After this long time away, here he was motionless and breathless. It was during my senior year of high school when he was arrested, and ultimately convicted of murder.

At 43 years of age, I was seeing my father for the first time since then. In that moment there came the realization that he had lived his life in prison and experienced his freedom again only through death. I also reflected on how, so many years ago, I watched from the upstairs window as the police took him away from my grandparent’s home. At that time I was numb and never considered that would be my last time seeing him alive. And now, in this moment came the reality that this would be the absolute last time seeing him.

It was odd to see a man of such fire and passion so still and silent. He appeared much older now and looked even older than that due to living a tumultuous life. This, in addition to navigating the world of prison had certainly taken its toll. This was not the man I had known at all and yet there was a certain peace about him. Perhaps now, I thought, he had the peace that eluded him in life.

The only moments of stillness I recalled were as he lay on his bed, looking up to the ceiling, deep in thought while smoking Kool cigarettes. I always admired his thinking. He was always so intense, and I wondered what it was that turned the wheels in his mind so.

While the images of him going away to prison and him lifeless on that table have prominence, they are not the most prominent thoughts that remain with me. I have many memories of my father, and while life with him was rife with challenges and traumas, I have reconciled with the pain he caused me, my family, and especially the people he hurt. Over time, I have gained a greater understanding on how my father found himself on this destructive course.